gotta stop this...

i havn't been on or written in a while i have really just needed some time to understand myself before i can articulate how i am feeling with others.i am finding it harder and harder not to resent my own body as well as have some jelous feelings towards others who may have some things that i want. i know it is going to take time and i know that i need to focus on my mental and physical stability but i find myself drawing always to what could have been for so many reasons... and i wish i could stop but i just don't know how it is so frustrating to know that you have zero control of the one thing in your life you thought you had some control over..your own body.. i know that what i have isn't terminal and it could be soo much worse but that doesn't make any less scary i mean i am a woman, we are built for childbearing and when that is threatened it is almost like you in a way lose some of your identity in a sense. like if i can't do this does that make me less of a woman... does that mean my worth is less than others i mean i know that it isn't but sometimes that is how i feel and i know that i keep coming bak to this and it is probably frustrating for some of my readers who know me personally and have been telling me that it will all be okay and that i need to worry about my health first before bringing another life and having that baby's health at risk as well and just let me reassure them i am fully aware and 100% agree with them! that being said it is still frustrating knowing that you can't be like some people i know that i swear just thinks of babys and they are pregnant. but i am just reassuriing myself that the wait is going to be sooo worth it and it is going to make the pregnancy and having that little child that much more of a joyous occasion..