Who Says...

I wouldn't wanna be anybody else
You made me insecure, told me I wasn't good enough
But who are you to judge? When you're a diamond in the rough
I'm sure you got some things, you'd like to change about yourself
But when it comes to me...

I wouldn't wanna be anybody else.
Na na na....

[Bridge]
I'm no beauty queen, I'm just beautiful me 
Na na na.....
You've got every right, To a beautiful life
C'mon!

[Chorus]
Who says?
Who says you're not perfect? 
Who says you're not worth it?
Who says you're the only one that's hurting? 
Trust me that's the price of beauty 
Who says you're not pretty?
Who says you're not beautiful?
Who says?

It's such a funny thing
How nothing's funny when it's you
You tell 'em what you mean, but they keep whiting out the truth
It's like a work of art that never gets to see the light
Keep you beneath the stars
Won't let you touch the sky
Na na na......

[Bridge]
[Chorus]

Who says you're not start potential?
Who says you're not presidential?
Who says you can't be in movies?
Listen to me,
listen to me,
Who says you don't pass the test? 
Who says you can't be the best?
Who said? Who said?
Won't you tell me who said that?
Yeah oh...
Who says




okay  i know i just posted once but i was listening to music and heard this and thought it was appropriate for the way i was feeling and thought i would share..... because i can do this i can lose weight i can be healthy for myself. my son, and my future child/children because who says i can't??? who says...??????????

gotta stop this...

i havn't been on or written in a while i have really just needed some time to understand myself before i can articulate how i am feeling with others.i am finding it harder and harder not to resent my own body as well as have some jelous feelings towards others who may have some things that i want. i know it is going to take time and i know that i need to focus on my mental and physical stability but i find myself drawing always to what could have been for so many reasons... and i wish i could stop but i just don't know how it is so frustrating to know that you have zero control of the one thing in your life you thought you had some control over..your own body.. i know that what i have isn't terminal and it could be soo much worse but that doesn't make any less scary i mean i am a woman, we are built for childbearing and when that is threatened it is almost like you in a way lose some of your identity in a sense. like if i can't do this does that make me less of a woman... does that mean my worth is less than others i mean i know that it isn't but sometimes that is how i feel and i know that i keep coming bak to this and it is probably frustrating for some of my readers who know me personally and have been telling me that it will all be okay and that i need to worry about my health first before bringing another life and having that baby's health at risk as well and just let me reassure them i am fully aware and 100% agree with them! that being said it is still frustrating knowing that you can't be like some people i know that i swear just thinks of babys and they are pregnant. but i am just reassuriing myself that the wait is going to be sooo worth it and it is going to make the pregnancy and having that little child that much more of a joyous occasion..

unseen....

 this darkening vacancy in my chest has grown with every failure.

  i am drowning in the walloping depths of the darkest part of the ocean,

and i can't seem to find which way is up.  i  no longer know how to ask for help.

 i am mute,silenced, voiceless. i want to scream so bad but nothing is coming out!

 i see you i grab for you but my body doesn't  move as if i am stone, there you go

 i can see you walk away and still nothing!

 i am still,i am unseen...

ventilation required....

normally i wait until my day is over to blog but today i am feeling very articulate and so i decided to blog now. there are many different things going on in my life and  they say "there is always someone out there who has it worse." and i know that but for some reason today it is a lot harder to remind myself of this. i feel as if i can articulate in so many ways other than in relationships in my life.not only romantic relationships just any professional, friendship any. i feel as if i want to crawl in a hole because i am feeling overwhelmed like i really messed up and nothing is going to be back to normal not only that but i feel so blah like i just want to scream. i dunno i think i just feel overwhelmed which in turn makes everything in my life turn to shit.. i should really get used to this. i am so tired....

...........

i have recently learned some more about my physical health, i have Polycystic ovarian syndrome. also i have severely high cholesterol and due to the PCOS i can not have any other children naturally only with the help of fertility drugs. and the sad thing about this is i feel numb i know deep down that i should be sad or angry at my body or something but i have shut myself down so much that i feel numb. i want another baby so much and i should be devastated instead i put on my "fake" face and just go about my daily life as a robot and i can't wait to see my therapist cause i know that she will help me get down deep and light that fire again but i just feel stuck. very very stuck. the doctor says i need to lose weight and i really do know that but i feel almost like being pulled in millions of directions like yes i know what i have to do but i don't even know where to start nor do i have the money i need to go to the gym and healthy food is really expensive.. so what do i do? just ignore it or go broke trying? i feel extremely stuck like i can't win for losing i mean i know i have to stay healthy for the child i have and the future ones if any i just feel like i have so much info in my head and no help trying to process it and i feel like i am drowning. these new found health scares are just that scary i feel lost and very very afraid i can't think straight i need to come up with a plan of action except that i don't know where to begin and don't really feel like i have anyone i can talk to that may be able to steer me in the proper direction i just feel very very overwhelmed and very numb like it hasn't really hit i dunno overwhelmed is definatly a great way to describe it. not only that but when i do feel sad i feel guilty cause at least i have my beautiful wonderful son some people can't even have one child.. and then i also feel why me? what did i do am i a bad mom that god wouldn't want me to have any more? especially losing the last one and now not having anymore it deeply saddens me and makes me feel worse about myself. i dunno i feel extremely alone like i don't have anyone to talk to......

you can call me ALI cause i am ready to box....

today has been an interesting day. today i came to a realization that i may not be as bad as i thought i was. as i am on this vacation and visiting family i have come to see all of them in a new light, not that its a bad light in any way just a new one. there are so many things that have changed in the last year since we have been gone with so many people including myself and my husband. it is nice that we are not in the same place we were in and i am so thankful and so ready to begin my new journey in discovering myself. i honestly feel like i am in a line at Disney land and have been in this line for years and i am finally almost to the end finally almost my turn to ride. and i am so excited to see what this new adventure is going to bring. what i am going to discover of myself. and the woman i am sure to become. i feel like i have discovered a new found love for myself after being able to come to California and get o0ut of my environment for a while. don't get me wrong am i still in fear 24-7 yes, is my disease still in the front forum of my life and pretty much running it yes but at least now i know i am strapping my boxing gloves on and i am ready for the fight. i am not giving up on my life or my child and i am so heartbroken that today i saw a family member that is and i feel so helpless for her daughter and so sad and i don't know if it is my mama instinct kicking in or what but i seriously want to just pick her up and run and run far away and just love her and hold her and have her she is such a good kid and all her mother sees is the negativeness of her own life and can't see the blessing she has in the beauty of her daughter i just pray that she will find it before it is too late and she doesn't have her anymore. what i really pray for is the safety and well being of this little girl. and of course it is my instinct to save people and that is all i can think about now is this little girl.......but i am just not well enough in my own for that fight yet and it breaks my heart......all i can do now though is fight for myself at this point...