I have recently discovered that i still feel as if i have to keep my son as close as possible.  not only that but i feel that he will get hurt if i do not watch his every move. this hinders his growth especially since he is a 4 year old boy he doesn't want his mother fallowing him around all over the place. i feel like he is going to get hurt and if i watch him all the time then i can stop him before it happens. this anxiety is so frustrating, i feel like i am screwing him up with everything i don't allow him to do i feel like its something he is missing out on or something he may need to learn and isn't. but then again it is like one time i do allow him to do something and he gets extremely hurt and i feel as if i am not going to be able to sleep for a year now! i just do not understand or know what i am supposed to do. i wish i could just be normal, like i could just wake up and go through a day without worrying about something bad happening to my son or my family, that i could just be able to feel something other than fear. i am hoping that eventually with my therapy i will be able to do so, it just seems somedays i feel lower than others. i just want my son to have a good life. i feel as if me and my husband have had such messed up childhoods i feel like i have to break that cycle, i want that more than anything. but am i trying too hard? do i want it so bad that i am doing the opposite? My mother had a hard childhood as well and in someways i feel like she has instilled fear in me. not that it is her fault that i am so messed up but that in some way she may have affected me more than she thought she had, especially when it came to any sort of unwanted sexual advances. I find myself thinking about thinks of that nature as well as other ways people can harm my son..living in fear is something i would never wish on anybody. it is horrible and i am just trying so hard to push through and be strong enough to not completely shut down. I feel sometimes like i am in a constant battle within myself. like my brain wants me to be scared but my heart wants so much for my son to be able and i feel like i am constantly telling him no because i am afraid.... i just want him to be happy, i just want him to flourish and grow into an even more wonderful person than he at 4 already is. my son is my entire world and i just don't want my own fears to hinder him.