sorry it has been so long!!

sorry to my loyal followers who i am sure have been wondering if i somehow just fell off the face of the earth..well here is what happened.. To be completely and 100% honest with you at first i got lazy and just didn't seem to want to write then i got sick and was hospitalized then i moved and didn't have internet!! but now i am back up and running and am going to try my damnedest to not be lazy and make myself write!! i usually do not believe in new years resolutions and have honestly never even thought about making one but for some reason this year was just different.. well i know why the whole almost dying thing really opens a persons eyes that's for sure... so my new years resolution is to LIVE.. and i mean really live i am going to try my hardest to not be so afraid of the world and to allow myself to do something i never thought i could do because i am afraid.. not only that but to also allow my family to do things that i may not have allowed last year... this year i am going to reach goals i set for myself and i am going to figure out a way to love myself again... i know most people wanna lose weight or quit smoking.... and yes i plan on losing the rest of the weight that i need to lose as soon as i have the last surgery and am able to i am going to start exercising and running there seems to be something soothing and relaxing about running and i think having an hour to myself will aid in finding myself... its funny cause i still joke that i don't know what i wanna be when i grow up... and honestly i really don't but its time to stop joking and make a choice... do i just be a giant scared child all my life or do i make a final decisions and stick with it?? i have a child and plan on having hopefully one more so not only for them but for myself i need to rediscover myself so that i can be a complete person again... its weird how i started this year with a giant deep breathe and honestly i haven't felt this way in a while... i am pumped to see how hard i can push myself to become a better me!!!!!!!!! NO MORE LAZY AMBER!!